I'll Play You For It

Christmas is a time for all of us to enjoy friends and family, to put aside everything that is going on in our busy lives to busy ourselves with festivity and generosity. This isn't some half baked fluffy statement, it's something I believe so stuff anyone out there who thinks it's a load, you're free to eat a load. Now that was in the spirit of the season now wasn't it?

I avoided the shopping malls for the most part because I can't stand to see the ugly side of Christmas. I don't mean the commercialization of it, but the frayed nerves, short tempers, snotty shoppers and the parking lot buzzards. To me it's all about the family, spreading good will and embracing a little peace among man. Don't get me wrong peace with women is great too.

Given all the shittiness out there, it warmed the old lump of coal in the chest to read about a story from the battle front in France during the first world war. The English and German soldiers were at a deadlock in ground battle on Christmas Eve when they decided to put their weapons down for one day. They came out of the foxholes and embraced each other as brothers, not in arms, but humanity. They played a game of soccer, sang carols, shared meal and drink and posed for pictures. Never mind the fact that once Christmas was over, the recommenced blowing the shit out of each other... The spirit of the story remains.

That story stuck with me and the other night, my partner and I went about making peace with a few of our regular customers. We had been on a detail at the local residence for society's miscreants when we came about a large spread of Christmas turkey with some of the traditional fixings. We were offered a meal and who were we to turn down a turkey dinner? After finishing up, we asked if we could take some turkey back for some of the other guys, with the intention of actually distributing it out on the streets. The guardsmen said to fill our plates since all of the extra was just going to find its way into the bins.

So with 2 plates with about 8 pounds of turkey, another plateful of fruit cake and a cup of apple sauce, we were off. What a sight I must have been, piles of turkey on one side, fruit cake in my lap, and a bag of contraband on the other side riding along trying not to mess myself up. Our first encounter was with one of our local street ladies. She didn't seem to be high on anything so we stopped and waved her over. She had a smile on her face as she skipped over to the car. They know the routine when we stop and talk so she made nice. We asked her how she was and she said she was fine. We then asked her if she'd eaten lately and she told us that she hadn't and was starving. We figured she might like a plate of turkey and asked her if she'd like one. I couldn't blame her for not really believing us but when she saw we were serious she was over the moon. So off she went with the biggest smile on her face and off we went to find our next unsuspecting target.

We stopped off at the 7-11 and immediately saw the perfect candidate for the fruit cake. He was kinda squirrelly looking and had a full length, cruddy grey down coat on. He didn't seem like he was giving the clerks a hard time so when he came out, we talked to him. He said to me, "Hey you've got to help me". I asked him with what and he explained that he needed to find a shelter for the night. I asked him if he was hungry and if he'd eaten lately. He told me that he hadn't. I asked him if he'd want a big plate of fruit cake and he emphatically said, "OH YEAH!" Now this plate must have weighed 2 or 3 pounds and I didn't feel like carrying any of it with me so I gave him the whole thing. This is how the rest of the conversation went:

"WHOA Thanks man!!! But you've still got to help me find a shelter."

"Sorry, I can't do that right now, I've got to take care of this."
*holds up bag of aforementioned goodies*

"Can't you go to Seaton House for the night?"

"Nope, they don't like me there, I've got a bowel problem and they say I stink up the place."

"Whoa, you've got a bowel problem and you're going to eat that whole plate of fruit cake?!?! Dude you're going to shit yourself!"

"Uh... Yup, probably. Heh heh."

"Umm ok man, just make sure you get your pants down first when that happens."

"Ok thanks guys."

After giving a couple of slices of turkey to the folks at the front desk, we still had a 4 pound plate of turkey still to give out so off we went. We scoured the streets and found our last (un)lucky mumbly (affectionate slang for street folks). We spotted him in a coffee shop as he was just sitting down to a fresh cup. I pointed at him from the other side of the glass and motioned for him to come over to the car. He was uncertain at first but when I pointed him out again, he came out. The "normal" looking customers in the shop started to look at me like I was some sort of asshole on a power trip for abusing this guy.

He came out and came up to the car. The same routine came about where I asked him how he was and if he'd had a good Christmas so far and if he'd eaten his Christmas dinner yet. He replied that he was ok, but he hadn't eaten any dinner for days now and was starved. *Perfect* I asked him if he'd want a 4 pound plate of turkey to fix that problem. His answer was predictable and this was the exchange as it happened:

"Sure I would, but you're kidding right?"

"Nope. I'm serious, I've got a 4 pound plate of turkey for you, but you'll have to play me in Rock, Paper Scissors for it. Best 2 out of 3. You win and you get a 4 pound plate of turkey."

"Oh, I don't really know how to play that though."

*blink blink*
"What do you mean you don't know how to play!?!?! Everyone knows how to play R.P.S.!"

"My kids know how to play, but I'm not very good, I lose all the time."

Now I'm getting pretty animated with my hands and the people inside the coffee shop I'm a complete asshole for looking like I'm yelling at him.

"Well, ok, just try and see how you do."

"Ok"

Round 1: Me, Rock - Him, Scissors. "Aww damn..." "Hey don't walk away it's 2 out of 3."

Round 2: Me, Scissors - Him, Scissors. *I think I know why he loses all the time...*

*pedestrian walking by is utterly confused with what he sees and hears going on before him*

Round 3: Me, Paper - Him, Scissors. "All right!"

Round 4: Me, Paper - Him, Scissors. " Woo Hoo! Where's that plate?" "Here you go buddy." "Thanks man!"

As we drove off, I could see him walking back into the coffee shop and the other customers asking him what I'd been harassing him about and then he smiled and pointed at his mound of food and said, "IT'S TURKEY!!!"

Gobble gobble everybody. Hope your Christmas and other holidays were enjoyable and if you made it to the end of this post, good for you, you get a big star beside your name in my books.

Oh No You Didn't...

Me, aka: Jim, J, Jamie

Sister, aka: Ali, Nos, Alison, Snos, Snosage

Brother, aka: Jeff, Yerf, Jeffery, Beefy, Boom Boom, Beefy Boom Boom Buffet

Mom, aka: Moo, Amber

Step-Dad, aka: Joseph

* * * * *

Me: Man that thing is huge!

Sister: You mean as big as *points at Jeff's ass*

Me: Ha ha ha ha ha, yeah, well, maybe not.

Jeff: Shut up, I know you two are talking about me. My ass isn't that big.

Sister: Yes it is.

All: Ha ha ha.

* * * * *

Me: So how are we supposed to cook these things, just put a little oil on the pan and go from there?

Mom: Yeah, oh well, I guess just trial and error.

Me: Hmmm, Mike is coming over to watch the Leaf game, can I feed him the first one?

Mom: Ummm, sure *big smile*

* * * * *

Step Dad: AH!!! The Cowboys and Packers are playing on Thursday!

Me: Yeah? What's the problem?

Step Dad: I'm going to have to miss it.

Me: Why, what else would you be doing at that time?

Step Dad: I promised some friends that I would go watch their son's concert or something like that.

Me: Is there anyway you can get out of it?

Step Dad: I don't know maybe I could tell them I broke my leg or something, I really don't want to go but they came to our event, but really bah.

* * * * *

Me: How do you like this new shirt?

Brother: Quite frankly, I just don't give a fuck. *turns and walks away laughing*

* * * * *

Family: *eating lunch*

Mom: *way out of left field* BRITNEY SPEARS IS ADOPTING CHILDREN!!!

Sister: WHAT?!?! Where do you get your info?

Mom: 680 News

* * * * *

Sister: Oh Suri's really cute...

Me: Yeah, she is, who is that one there?

Sister: That's Shiloh, Brad and Angelina's kid.

Me: Ah, (next page) who is that one, she's cute too.

Sister: That's Shiloh too, of course she's cute, she's got Angelina and Brad as parents.

Mom: Let me see, oh, she's not cute at all, she's got such a big forehead!

Sister: Yeah, well look at Jeff.

Mom: Well, Jeff's a good looking boy.... Now.

Me and sis: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

* * * * *

Mom: Ali, do you want a cupcake?

Sister: Ok

Mom: Do you want one?

Me: No, it's ok, Boom Boom can have one when he gets home.

Mom: No! Boom Boom isn't allowed to eat it!

Sister: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Mom: What are you laughing at? I don't even know who Boom Boom is...

Me and Sister: LIAR!!!

Well there are certainly times of the year when we have to take pause and reflect on some of the other things going on in the world other than what we see and take at face value to be normal. Case in point, I just turned 28 yet I was again told by one of my co-workers that even though I looked like I could be in college, that it wasn't ok to go about dating college girls and in addition to that, I acted like I was 6 years old... To those who know me, they could very well agree that I don't always act my age and that the world is a little sugar coated place in my childish eyes.

Now I am not about to disagree whole heartedly with what some of those folks are saying, because c'mon... I am a bit of an asshat at times, and I know that I ought to act a bit more my age as the number associated with that word increases, but perhaps there is something to acting a younger age or at least seeing the world non-judgingly as kids do; no difference to colour, taking a person's word and intentions to be honest and seeing the good in people no matter their appearance.

At work, I run into all types who leave lasting impressions on me: the drunken club girls who shamelessly and in some cases bralessly and pantylessly advance on the uniform, the "emotionally disturbed" who also sometimes offer themselves, but that's a vomit inducing story for another time, the self righteous arse plugs who believe they're entitled to everything and find every single thing wrong with us until they need us, the crack heads / hos who sprinkle our streets with their own brand of delightfulness. Then there are those who look the part of someone who, if not for downward gazes at the ends of our noses, we'd never pay attention to.

You know the type, they occupy the spaces outside shops, drug stores and banks. We often don't bother with any sort of interaction asides from dropping change into a cup or saying sorry, most times not even that and walking on. Now granted most of these types are as useful as the grease on a burnt out pan, but like Asian drivers, if you look long and hard enough, you'll find the odd good one among the lot. If you take some more time to listen you may even find out that they have a story and sometimes it's a story that can change you or at least the way you look at things.

Andrew is one of our locals, we have a run of the mill exchange that goes on between us whenever we stop and talk to him. The routine goes as such, we take his name and tell him to move on, and sometimes he gets a citation or two for his efforts. Unlike some of the others we deal with, he goes about it with us all the time with a genuine smile and he holds no malice towards us at all. After each encounter, it's a "have a good day sir" and a "take care of yourself Andrew" and off all of us go about our ways.

We're all "busy" to a degree with our lives and the rigors of the work day, to the point where as soon as we are done with one thing, we move right on to the next without any pause. So caught up are we that we pass things by more so than the world passes us by. One day some point back, I picked up the habit of asking some of these folks where they were spending the night or how things were on the streets just as a manner of making conversation on some level other than a "professional" one. It was after doing that with him that I got to hear Andrew's story.

He's a survivor and he's had one fight after another on his hands for as long as he can remember. He'd worked odd and end jobs here and there and hadn't been afforded a stable family or surroundings as he grew up. Along the way, he had his episodes with drugs and less amicable relations with my employment agency. He'd also contracted Hep C along with H.I.V. to tie it all together with a fancy pink ribbon. I found most of this out one day when I just put everything aside and just sat and talked with him for a while.

It was amazing to me to hear from him that he wasn't angry at anyone or anything in the world. He had made his peace with everything and I was at a mild loss as to how it was all possible. He went on to explain that he was told a few years ago that he'd be dead by a couple of years ago and yet here he was still alive. He went on to tell me that he'd also beaten Hep C and that the doctors were at complete loss as to explain how it was no longer even in his system and not registering on his blood tests. As he figured, he was on borrowed time and was going to do the best with what he had after all, he was a dead man walking.

He keeps himself going by selling the odd news paper and by the generosity of passers by who drop off food to him. He realizes that he's not going to be working in a bank anytime soon, but as he says each time, he's doing the best he can. The last time I saw him the other day, I asked him where he was staying as old man winter had decided to pay an earlier visit to town and the weather wasn't exactly conducive to comfortable outdoor living. I was more than a little shocked when he told me that he had a place of his own and even showed me the key to his apartment.

He went on to explain that he saved enough money throughout the course of the summer to put down $600 to secure a place. He'd gone to one of the local community centres and had, through a worker, set up a place where he could leave whatever money he made throughout the day without any worry about losing or being robbed of his money. It was nice to see the pride he had on his face and the genuine smile he had when he told me about it. I kinda got the feeling that he'd been waiting for some time to pull out that key and show it off to one of us and I really hope the look and happiness I had on my face for him was what he had in mind.

Early happy holiday wishes everybody.

How Could You Tell?

I guess I should give up my poker career before it begins or I'll lose the shirt off my back. You know the feeling we all sometimes have where we think we're completely in control of our goings on and things are just as we will them to be; we give off the vibe, walk with the swagger that nothing can send our ship listing... Well apparently, I do that as well as I can run a sprint in stilettos. (and no, for the record, I can't do that... seriously)

The other day, I was in therapy, no not that kind, for a strained groin muscle, and no not that kind either... My main therapist Dana had put me through some painful trigger point muscle releases (ok, I can see where you people can get thrown off now) when the time came for her to tend to her next clien err patient leaving me yet to receive my ultrasound treatment. A second year student was sitting around watching and learning and Dana asked Emily if she wouldn't mind doing my ultrasound and she said yes.

At this point, I was lying flat on my back while the sonic gel was applied above the injured area. Let's just get it out there that yes, it was very high up the leg and anyone looking from her back and seeing the back and forth motion could assume the sexual best for me, but alas... We chatted to pass the time, eventually she got to asking about my oft injured shoulder which can only be described as being akin to Mel Gibson's in all the Lethal Weapon movies. She asked when I would be getting the reconstructive surgery on it and I replied when I found a good girl to take care of me afterwards. She let out in response, "I could do with a good guy to take care of me".

Totally un-related, I'm listening to the Killers cover of Dire Straight's Romeo and Juliet right now, it's so good.

I don't know if it was a case of thinking out loud or whatever, but it piqued the interest level a touch. Now I thought to myself, hmmm, maybe she's single, but a cute girl like that with personality not dating someone... Seemed plausible, but then there was the second thought, she's got a guy already and he's a knuckle dragging, douche bag and she's looking for a change... In either case we carried on and I can honestly say it was effortless and enjoyable.

It was only after that I'd gotten vertical did I realize she was much more woman than I could appreciate from my back, a whole 3 inches or so more... I've had to look up to a lot of people in my life and I did so with no issue in this case. I noticed she had nice greenish brown eyes that she framed up very well in her stylish glasses and hey, I've always been a sucker for nice eyes. I didn't care much to leave the clinic after I was finished up with my treatment and we chatted a little bit more with her roommate who also happens to be one of the program supervisors (a potential obstacle).

I eventually made my way home and after settling in for a game of Scrabulous, I got a phone call from a girlfriend of mine. We were talking for a bit, catching up on the goings on of the day and her less than involved relationship that sadly is making it's last laps around the bowl. Eventually I made mention that I'd met a girl and instantly she declared, "A HA!!! I knew it!" I was puzzled and asked what she meant. She went on to explain that she knew something good had happened to me because she could hear it in my voice. I didn't think I had any different tone than the usual so I was caught off guard for being caught out.

Never one to stay bashful for long I tried to play it off but no dice, she was all over me for details. I was sorry to say that there weren't too many but it didn't stop her excitement for me. Who knows what will come of it, but at the very least there's no harm in asking as she and some of the other members of my booster club have suggested.

Excuse Me, You're Calling From Where???

So I was sitting at home a week and a bit ago watching my brother play Guitar Hero 3 when I noticed that I had missed a call on the cell. After watching him successfully rock out to another 5 star video performance, I went about listening to the message and it went a little something like this:

"Hi James, this is Olivera from Max Agency, you met one of our scouts during the Jazz Festival down in the Beaches and I was calling to set up an appointment for you to come in and meet with us. Give me a call at 416..........."

Wait, what the hell did I just hear? I wasn't quite sure I heard that right above the Guitar Hero so I played it again and yeah, it would appear as though I had received call from a modeling agency... I blinked a few times and thought to myself, where in the hell she would have gotten my phone num... !!! I shook my fist as I realized exactly who had given my phone number out...

I'd only been working with two other guys that whole weekend so it was a simple process of elimination. I called Jeremy and asked him if he'd ever heard of a Max Modeling Agency. I heard him chuckle on the other end of the line, instantly confirming my suspicion. He could only say, "I may have been around when the talent scouts were around but I can't really say how your information got passed on to them". I told him that he didn't have to explain and that I had a pretty good idea of who had given my info out.

So I sat there and thought to myself, why in the hell would he have done that? Then the obvious answer came, "because you're so fun and easy to have a laugh with (at)". *D'uh* The next question I asked myself was, what the hell are you going to do about it? So I consulted with the girlfriends and the overwhelming response was "go for it". So I thought to myself, why the hell not? What's the worst that can come of this, I get told I'm not what a modeling agency was looking for? Hell, I could have told you that before having to be asked. : P

So I called and set up an appointment for this past Monday. I was told to dress somewhat professionally, meaning no jeans or sneakers. I figured I'd do it up and wear my new shirt I that I'd bought on a spur of the moment fashion upgrade shopping trip with my friend Niki. Hell, if ever a time to show off, or at least make light of, an attempt at fashion, this was it. So I showed up for my 1230 appointment looking as dapper as I could for mid day. I figured the meeting would only take half an hour at most and I would have more than enough time to get to a far more pressing engagement, a hockey game at 1400 vs a rival station.

I arrived in the office and was greeted by a smartly dressed dude who was obviously but not flagrantly gay. He was nice and took note of the fact that I had arrived. I sat down in the office and made note of the fish tank behind the receptionist's desk. I thought there was a toy crocodile or alligator floating in the middle of it, but upon closer inspection, I found it to be real. Couple that with the odd cinematic gladiator style symphony orchestral music, it was just a touch odd, but not altogether unsettling, I began putting everything into Zoolander perspective.

Shortly after my arrival, the guy behind the desk was replaced by the actual receptionist. She had a pretty face and wore smart, and very bum friendly black dress pants and a very flattering dark apple green top which complimented her natural features. I thought, hey now, things are picking up a bit. She made little attempt to acknowledge my presence. I figured, hell she sees so many "beautiful" people coming in through the doors, what was another face to her? I was the only person in the office at the time so I settled into a 2003 issue of Men's Health.

After a short while, this pompous looking tit walked in followed by a larger, solely due to girth, tit who I assumed was his agent. Small tit had a very high forehead. Think mine but twice as high. He had long, bottom of the ear length hair which he had slicked back. He wore a tarty little green zip up and annoying slim, TAPERED, and I'm assuming $200 designer jeans with some silly criss-cross pattern on the back of the legs. His shoes were of the pointed variety which made me, for the few seconds I looked at them, want to use them to stab him in his beady eyes.

When the receptionist asked for his name, he bladed his body to the right as if at the end of a "dear God please one day land me on this" catwalk, turned his head ever so slightly to the left and said in some bastardized mutation of an English or Australian accent "Dipsy McLightLoafers", or something close to that. I couldn't help but let my left brow arch up in absolute bemusement. I quickly retreated to the mag lest he see my utter contempt. It was at this point too that I noticed what appeared to be an dirt spot on the face of the receptionist. I just found it a touch odd that said spot just happened to follow an outline of a 'stache... I knew at this point, I had a blog post coming.

As I sat and waited for my turn, a middle aged woman who was almost as snazzily dressed as yours truly walked in and took a seat almost directly across from me. She checked in and sat down and proceeded to ignore everything else, so I did likewise to her. Shortly after Ms. Middleagenoring, a younger teen girl with a little punky look to her arrived with her very middle class very white mom and her older sister who spoke with ZERO tonal or volume control. I couldn't happen but notice the troupe was quickly being filled and the big top would be in full swing very shortly.

As the latest additions to the gong show sat down, I couldn't help but notice the older sister. It quickly dawned on me that there was a Ben Stiller theme to this office as she reminded me more of Warren from "There's Something About Mary". While she wasn't wearing earphones to soothe her into the room you could tell she was out of her comfort zone. I think she must have found the whole experience as comedic as I did. We looked at each other and I smiled at her and she smiled back at me half shy and half giddy. I figured this was as "real" of an interaction I was going to experience so I continued the smile game. It was actually quite fun.

It was now pushing 1300 and I was getting a little impatient but hey, I figured this was how these industry types rolled, so I just went with it. When the receptionist finally got off the phone, she called my pal with the tapered jeans and directed him to an awaiting office. He stood up and looked to the larger tit with his smarmy vest, plastic rectangle frame glasses and annoying salt and pepper beard and pony tail and beckoned, "daddy..."... I blinked repeatedly over the same spot on the page I was reading. I then looked up and had a giant smile and giggle waiting for me.

It was getting a bit much for me and my bladder was reminding me that I had consumed a large amount of water prior to my departure for the agency so I asked for directions to the bathroom. After walking down the hall I came up to the bathrooms, but my attention was quickly diverted to the matching set of cock and balls couches in the waiting area outside the bathrooms. As you can see above, there is no other description for them. If I didn't have just cause to wonder how crazy, eccentric or gay I'd have to be to survive in this industry, I did now.

After returning to the reception area, I kindly asked Miss Stainedlip when I could expect to be seen as I had a very pressing professional engagement coming up. She told me that it would only be 5 more minutes. A figure I was amazed that she could come up with seeing as how she didn't place or receive any phone calls or messages to suggest that would be the case. As it turns out, her 5 minutes turned out to be 15 and I was more than annoyed with her.

Finally I got into the office and met with an agent who I thought was young to be in her position, but what the hell did I know. She introduced herself and she actually seemed nice enough and somewhat normal. She started into her shpiel and started asking me some questions about my background, activities, languages, abilities scars, tattoos... I had to cut her off and tell her I had absolutely no experience whatsoever and further more, that this whole thing was a bit of a joke. She looked mildly offended so I clarified explaining to her that I had been the victim of a small practical joke but was going through with it all for the sheer hell of it.

She said that she could see why I may have been signed up by my friends complimenting me on my eyes and the fact that I was really personable and easy going about it all. I just explained to her that I, for the lack of a civilized term, quite frankly didn't give a fuck and was going along with the nothing ventured, nothing gained motto and that if I wasn't what they were looking for, no big deal. When she showed me that some of the contracts they secured for their models added up to $4000 take home per day after agency fees for simple things as a print campaign, I began thinking it might just be a big deal.

We shook hands and she told she'd be in contact with me in 3 or 4 days if the agency liked me for whatever category my goofy mug fit in and we'd go from there. I left her office and quickly took one last survey of the kaleidoscope of krazy I saw before me. I duly took note of one last big grin and noticed the pink triple velcro shoes she was wearing and thought to myself, fuck those are cool. I'd love to see anyone else there try and pull that off.

Fortunately for me, the exit was on my right and my lack of ambiturning ability was hidden from the modeling world for at least another day.

A 5 Point Post

The Good: My sister recently bought a new blue Mini Cooper with money she'd been saving for the last few years of work. She decided to name the thing Paddington after narrowing her choice of appropriate "English" names down. She bought it standard and after a few (trying) days of teaching, she had it mastered. My sister is wee just under 5'1" so it's a perfect fit for her. When she picked it up from the dealership, she let my brother drive it home since she didn't know at the time how to drive it. This was a big honour for Jeff so as a little show of thanks, he went about finding a little Paddington Bear doll. While my sister was at work, he tucked the little Paddy into the driver's seat of the big Paddy and fastened the seatbelt and left it to be discovered at a later point. When my sister found it later, she came back into the house with all the happiness and surprise of a 5 year old having found exactly what she'd asked for on Christmas morning. It was so cute.

The Bad: Miscommunication and unfortunate circumstances... Let me preface this by saying that I had been worn right down and was tired beyond reason and she was just welcoming her monthly visitor.I recently pissed off a friend of mine. We have a pretty easy going friendship with no strings attached and it has suited both of us very well. Before I left on my trip she and I had been talking on the phone when she asked why I was single and why I didn't have a good girl in my life and I told her I had one until she decided to get rid of me. From here things get a little foggy. She said something along the lines of her saying that she'd want to be with me if she wasn't so wrong for me. In my head and heart I know that I could never date this girl so I didn't argue, but that's not the point at hand here. After she'd said that, I think I verbally agreed with her and then I said something, which for the life of me I can't remember what it was, and it pissed her off something mighty. I was trying to say that I liked what we had going and that it was good, but somehow I managed not to get that message across and had her get a "little" upset at me. She promptly said a quick piece and hung up. I still don't know what I said...

The Funny (but not really): Some of the excuses being pandered about by men being caught in gay scandals. I'm not going on an anti-gay thing here. I love gay people, after all, the more there are, the more women become available to the dating pool and hey, if you only women go after you're only attractive to half of the population out there. Poor Senator Craig from Idaho alleged he was a victim of entrapment and that the under cover police officer had been the one soliciting sex in the bathroom of an airport. That at least isn't as fishy as the one offered up by the Vatican Priest Monsignor Tommaso Stenico who, when caught on camera, said he was merely doing psychoanalytic research and was merely "pretending" to be gay to gather information on those who damage the church with homosexual activity... While both have more or less committed professional suicide, you gotta give the priest more points for originality.

The Sad: New Era, the caps' manufacturer, and the New York Yankees — whose famous interlocking NY cap features a choice of a red and black bandanna design for the Bloods, blue and gray for the Crips and a gold crown for the Latin Kings and Major League Baseball is deliberately marketing to gang members and wannabes to make more money off a horrible trend.

The Down Right Odd:An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present after the animal apparently tried to have sex with her. She was killed at her family's sheep and cattle ranch. The 10-month-old male camel weighing about 150 kilograms knocked the woman to the ground, lay on top of her, then exhibited what police suspect was mating behaviour. A police spokesperson said, "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," adding the camel almost suffocated the family's pet goat by straddling it on several occasions. The woman was given the camel in March as a birthday present from her husband and daughter. It is not known if the camel's exposure to the other barn yard stock had anything to do with its state of arousal especially given the close proximity of the sheep. There are un-confirmed reports the camel may have some Welsh or New Zealand blood lineage which could explain a few things.

Full Moon Rising

So, I was riding home on my fair Lady Limerick, when I happened across a cab full of very attractive girls on their way home from a night out on the town. As I got closer to the cab, I could see that there were three girls in the back, but I could only see the faces of two as they smiled while looking back out of the cab.

I looked closer and noticed that the third girl in the back on the passenger's side was standing up, with her skirt hiked up to her waist hanging and shaking her ass out the window for all to see. Now, Steph I instantly thought about you, and I don't know why..., when I saw this girl. I wondered, is this worthy to be labeled as a "supertard" moment? Feel free to poll the others and get back to me.

Now I've had girls do weird and sometimes very funny things in-front of me on the highway as I've passed them by on my bike after the clubs have let out. Smiling, winking, hanging and waving out the windows are par for the course but this took the (moon)cake. I couldn't help but laugh at the sheer hilarity of the situation and the girls in the back were obviously enjoying it too. I can only imagine what the cabbie was thinking. At the very least, I don't think he'd need to expect a tip after filing enough images to fill his jolly trunk for many a tosser's night.

So as I got closer as I passed, of course on the passenger side, I noticed the other girls waving me towards the cab. As I drew even, one of them made the motion for me to slap the bare ass that was hanging out the window. Now, who was I to say no to a request like that.? With a little precision riding, I managed to satisfy their request while probably scaring the crap out of the cabbie and the cars directly behind us...

I figured hell, how often does something like this happen...

Steph?

: P